Wednesday, April 20, 2011
left out
Some times I look at my friend's pictures of their kids and find myself yearning to have what they have. Don't get me wrong my six furry babies keep me busy but its not the same. I want to hold a baby in my arm and see them smiling back at me. I want to see a little being grow up fast and look just like her father. I want to watch them crawl and walk and talk. I feel like they all belong to this club that I may never join. I know everyone keeps telling me to stop wanting a baby so badly and thats when it will happen to us but they don't understand. The only thing I've known for sure in this life time is that I want to be a mom. I want to know the joy of waking up every four hours to nurse and be drained the next day at work. I watch it happen around me with my friends and even though they say its the worst you can tell they love being a parent. I just hope that I don't end up disappointing Reggie some how if I can't have children. I shouldn't say that. I've been blessed with a vision of my baby girl. I know I'll have her some day but I can't help wanting her to join our family NOW! Yes you read that right. I've seen my baby girl. I wasn't asleep I was mediating when I saw her playing on the ground with her toys. Blond hair Brown eyes and she looked just like Reggie. I felt the joy of a mother when I saw her there smiling up at me. I know its silly but I hold on to that image each day close to my heart. Soon I keep telling myself that. And I guess since no one really reads this that will leak info....yes Reggie and I have started trying. Stupid I know since we really aren't financially ready but both of us feel like if we wait too much longer it will not happen.
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I love you Tawsha! This made me cry! Just remember that it WILL happen! Just be faithful! I know that it can be hard...believe me I know! I rememebr the pain that it brings seeing everyone around me with their little ones and feeling like the blessing of parenthood is skipping over me...and boy does it stink!! Just remember that you are entitled to the blessings if you are living worthy and it will happen one day. I know its hard being positive just keep praying! Your in my thoughts and prayers!! If you ever need to talk about it feel free to call me on my UT number or shoot me an e-mail and I will call you. I love you and it will happen one day.
ReplyDeleteOh, come on I READ THIS. lol
ReplyDeleteAnd the previous comment--she is so right. Now, I never had to struggle with this--having children came VERY easy to us; however, as I sat in the hair stylist's chair last Friday, we had a good talk about many things and I kept thinking about you. She has been struggling with infertility for 3 1/2 years. I have a friend who struggled for 9 years. They both felt like they would never have their family. The hair stylist is turning to fertility treatments and hopefully things will work out this year, while my friend (9 years of infertility) decided to change things she did to her body and return to the church. These things took time, but after about a year of being back in church and taking care of her body, it was like magic--they conceived. The best thing she told me about her experience is that she had to learn to be patient. I'm not saying that I'm assuming infertility is your problem, but sometimes, it takes a lot of extra work to be ready for a baby. And I think that includes being financially ready. And the biggest thing my stylist told me was that EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN STRUGGLES. They are not all the same, but we all struggle. My struggle came in the form of strongly desiring to have more children but being physically unable to do so. It still breaks my heart sometimes.
We've been looking into the foster care system and after speaking with a counselor, she said that in the state of Utah, a child is more likely to be put into foster care because the parents cannot provide for him/her than they are because of abuse. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying you will be unable to provide for a baby, but it really is important. There are families in my neighborhood whose children go without and on more than a few occasions, I have taken care of those kids. When you give them a meal and they eat like there's no tomorrow, your heart ACHES for those kids. I nursed one of my friend's babies because she couldn't afford formula so she went back to work, but didn't have a way to make ends meet. Don't ask me how that happens with all the government support going around, but it does.
Nobody is ever truly ready for a baby, but you should really try to be as ready as possible and I believe that includes financially. This might be unsolicited advice to you, but I live in an area where there is a lot of educational and financial diversity among families. There was a woman in my ward who killed her 2-month-old baby because it wouldn't stop crying--she didn't know how to soothe a crying baby or that I am a PRO at soothing babies and lived just down the street. Another family had their kids taken away because they were being abused and neglected. And yet another family had their kids taken away because they were chronically starving, which led them to stealing from the carniceria down the street.
I'm not trying to chastise you--I'm trying to wish you luck! I have put off commenting on this because I didn't want it to sound the wrong way when I commented, but since I had Ellie (and mostly since the events that happened shortly thereafter), I have become incredibly passionate about the way children are cared for. I think they deserve to be loved by parents, treated with respect, and have their basic needs for food, clothing, shelter, and love met. I advise you to really really work toward being financially ready for a baby--they can be expensive! Not as expensive as people always say they are, but they can be pricey.
ReplyDeleteBest of the BEST of luck there is, and I pray that the Spirit is with you!! Babies are a lot of work to try to prepare for--be sure to do A LOT of research and consider ALL your options before diving in. I wish I had done more before Copeland was born, and now I feel like all my time and effort are gone to waste because I can't have any more babies. Learn your options on birth, feeding, diapering, sleeping, soothing, etc.--you will never regret having done your homework when it comes to babies!
I've been thinking about you lots--especially when I checked out of Wal-Mart last week and my checker was super sweet. I hope all is well with you and your family.
yeah i transfered the blog over so I didn't lose my posts :) I agree with you Natalie. Reggie and I did not come to this descion lightly. We have been in intense research/talking mode. Both of us feel that we are ready to be parents and make the sacrafices necessary to provide for a little being. I just wanted us to be in a position that I could be a stay at home mom and it will probably end up meaning that I'll be a working mom but I know that we'll make it work and things will fall into place. You don't have to worry about any children we may have. There is so much love in mine and Reggie's hearts that it will never be in short supply and both of us have always felt that if it came down to it we'd rather go without than any child.
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